I hesitate to write something so personal in such a public way for fear of judgment, the disappointment of others, and everything else that may similarly be inspired. But then I admonish myself for allowing hesitancy to reside in my conscious thought, and berate myself for feeling as though I am wrong in my feelings. And then it just becomes a useless cycle that ultimately fulfills the lingering self-doubt....sigh, can't a girl catch a break?
My problem is this...I have been preparing to join the military for most of the past year and a quarter, when I wasn't preparing to move overseas or recovering from a bad accident or working full-time. I am close to meeting that goal (with still several months of waiting for anything to open-up), and I am nearing the age cut-off....and everyday I spend moving toward and waiting for that goal, my deepest desire to become a mother gets stronger. I have to be honest with myself and accept that doing one will post-pone the other indefinitely, and one will prevent the other from happening at all...what do I do?
One might suggest that I simply wait until I am in the USAF, back here in Guam with my husband and settled into my military career, and then get down to bid-ness. And I would agree, save for the fact that I have been waiting for the 'right time' to become a mother, for a Long Time and waiting for all of those things to happen means there's no telling if it will be possible. It is clear that joining would provide more income, more security, a college education, etc. I don't want to Not choose this just because my husband has already established his own military career because I know I would feel better about myself if I am able to contribute financially.
. I am 26-years-old with, hopefully, a long life ahead of me, so logically I shouldn't be worried about my biological clock quite yet. After all, my mother didn't give birth to me, her eldest child, until she was two weeks away from turning 31. She went on to have my sisters, both healthy pregnancies yet carried risk due to her age. Some wise advice she gave me was to wait until I was ready to handle all of the responsibility being a mother entails for the rest of my life and theirs, yet become one while I still had the energy to keep up with them as best as possible. I took that to heart. She did very well keeping up with us, but to throw in the small business she and my father ran together, well it was a handful and I don't blame her for feeling like she never had enough energy to do everything she wanted and needed to as our mother. She still enjoyed us and loved us well despite the stress, so it seems there is hope in case I have (somehow) have no choice but to wait until I'm at least the age she was...but do I want to? No.
The best way I can describe this feeling is not with romance novel words like Yearning or Burning, but with a simple, concise...Pull...yes, that is what I feel. A pull, and a strong one.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you if this is my sixth sense, gut, or biological clock sounding off...I just know that I feel it and it is strong enough to turn my focus away from what I've been working toward and hone in on the role I've been wanting. A few women I deeply respect, who have already become mothers, have been so encouraging of my goal to join, and for that I appreciative beyond words and baking them their favorite cookies. I know they love being Mommies (even when it's REALLY tough) and they would never choose different, so I look up to them. I see what they have, that unconditional love with their babies (from 0 to annoying teen) and I admire it, knowing that is what I want in my life...and then I see how far I am from it and the blow is hard enough to take my breath away.
Waiting to feel mature enough for this potential role means I've spent a lot of time in contemplation over the Why of my need to be a mother. Never agreeing with how a lot of people seem to behave as if their children are merely accessories or that having children is 'just what you do' (especially) once you get Married! (and we have been for four years now) has led me to some rough introspection...I never know if I'm going to agree with my instincts but it's worth a shot...so why do I want to be a Mother? I narrowed it down to this: I have a beautiful, consummate kind of love for/with my husband because he is many things to me; lover, companion, best friend, fellow geek. And I love him for Who he is, the sides only I get to interact with, his family sides, and the sides he shows to the rest of the world. And then there's the warmth and love I feel for our families because they know us better than anyone, and our concepts of love began with them. I have a deep affection, love and respect for the animal children in our family for their love of life and the love they unconditionally show us...they are magic.
With all of this love, I feel indebted to the Universe...very thankful indeed. But if I could experience something else just as remarkable, if not more so in my lifetime...it would be the love of a child. I want to experience maternal love and pass on every bit of the love that made them so that they may find that for themselves. I feel as though I won't truly have lived, nor have enjoyed everything I could have until I become a mother, however that is meant to be. Every worry that goes along with bringing about Life feels as though it has lined up accordingly, allowing me to see the big picture...and the big picture is just, Lovely.
I am old enough to define many aspects of who I am, to know what I want and why I want it...and I am glad I waited and took my time. I've gotten to experience a deeper bonding with the man I love, travel as most people might not have, and listened to stories and perspectives I carry with me and always will.
I don't know what to do...listening to my head for so long has made my heart weary in what it wants so dearly... rules, responsibility, and hard work have always led my logic...now, all I want to do is curl up with a child I'm meant to love forever.